Mental Stress
How I'm trying to feel currently (Watching "Modern Girls" funny enough 😁)
It's been years since I've felt any sense of relief from this constant "demon" in my head. Always telling me that I'm not good enough, pretty enough or cool enough. I struggle constantly to pick myself up from depressions grasp. Don't know how to escape this feeling of distress. Yes, I have people in my life who love me and care for me. I don't doubt that. But for me it's hard to feel that emotion. My husband has been there for me since day 1 when we first met in 2008. He goes through the same issues and that's one of the reasons we connect so well. But I can't shake this feeling of dread. Last night was a real low point for me.
If you are constantly on social media, you might know what I mean. My reason being is I was always checking my Facebook at least 5 or 6 times a day. And scrolling through my feed for hours just to fill that void of nothingness with funny videos and stuff I obsess about. For me, I like to share whatever I feel passionate about and what I think in my mind that others will love too. But stupid me, no one really cares and I should be aware of that. I would be thinking "Why do I barely get anyone to like my posts?" and then it fills me with dread like my posts are just fallen leaves in the wind. Yesterday I thought "Wonder what it's like to have friends?" And that was the turning point for me realizing I don't have any friends. I was sharing stuff with no one. All of a sudden I just broke down into tears. Couldn't stop. Felt like I couldn't breathe. I don't know why I care so much and why I left these kind of things get to me? Am I that hopeless? Feels like I'm drowning in darkness. If I go anywhere I get panicky and start to hyperventilate. Are people staring at me? Do I look okay? That's me, a worry-wort.
Today I'm feeling somewhat better. I've decided to cut out Facebook from my life entirely. Who knows if I'll ever come back. It was a crutch and something lethal. For now I'm going to concentrate on blogging, taking pictures, reading and going for hikes more. Just living life and finding the sweet things in life and breaking loose of the chains of misery and being myself. Listening to Depeche Mode for these past few weeks has started to bring me out of depression. I connect with many of their songs and it seems whenever I play them the right one comes on. Guess it's like that for whatever band or musician you listen to. You connect with them on a deeper level.
Side note (this is going to be random), I feel disconnected from my generation. I can't stand music from the 2010's. (I mean besides the bands I've been following for years 😜) For me I love music from the mid 70's, 80's and 90's. Some of the 2000's as well. New wave and synth-pop is where it's at. And if you're missing that 80's feel, try synthwave or outrun. It makes you just want to act like a fool and dance around the living-room like a teenager. But I also like melancholic, dark, broody music. Something fits the mood I'm in. And that kind of goes hand-in-hand with a good book. I've always been a sucker for the romantic/sci-fi, sci-fi and gothic genres. Anything with strong emotions and feeling. That empathetic kind of thing.
Well I don't want to keep this too long, lol. So anyways, thanks for whoever wants to listen. Later 😉
It's been years since I've felt any sense of relief from this constant "demon" in my head. Always telling me that I'm not good enough, pretty enough or cool enough. I struggle constantly to pick myself up from depressions grasp. Don't know how to escape this feeling of distress. Yes, I have people in my life who love me and care for me. I don't doubt that. But for me it's hard to feel that emotion. My husband has been there for me since day 1 when we first met in 2008. He goes through the same issues and that's one of the reasons we connect so well. But I can't shake this feeling of dread. Last night was a real low point for me.
If you are constantly on social media, you might know what I mean. My reason being is I was always checking my Facebook at least 5 or 6 times a day. And scrolling through my feed for hours just to fill that void of nothingness with funny videos and stuff I obsess about. For me, I like to share whatever I feel passionate about and what I think in my mind that others will love too. But stupid me, no one really cares and I should be aware of that. I would be thinking "Why do I barely get anyone to like my posts?" and then it fills me with dread like my posts are just fallen leaves in the wind. Yesterday I thought "Wonder what it's like to have friends?" And that was the turning point for me realizing I don't have any friends. I was sharing stuff with no one. All of a sudden I just broke down into tears. Couldn't stop. Felt like I couldn't breathe. I don't know why I care so much and why I left these kind of things get to me? Am I that hopeless? Feels like I'm drowning in darkness. If I go anywhere I get panicky and start to hyperventilate. Are people staring at me? Do I look okay? That's me, a worry-wort.
Today I'm feeling somewhat better. I've decided to cut out Facebook from my life entirely. Who knows if I'll ever come back. It was a crutch and something lethal. For now I'm going to concentrate on blogging, taking pictures, reading and going for hikes more. Just living life and finding the sweet things in life and breaking loose of the chains of misery and being myself. Listening to Depeche Mode for these past few weeks has started to bring me out of depression. I connect with many of their songs and it seems whenever I play them the right one comes on. Guess it's like that for whatever band or musician you listen to. You connect with them on a deeper level.
Side note (this is going to be random), I feel disconnected from my generation. I can't stand music from the 2010's. (I mean besides the bands I've been following for years 😜) For me I love music from the mid 70's, 80's and 90's. Some of the 2000's as well. New wave and synth-pop is where it's at. And if you're missing that 80's feel, try synthwave or outrun. It makes you just want to act like a fool and dance around the living-room like a teenager. But I also like melancholic, dark, broody music. Something fits the mood I'm in. And that kind of goes hand-in-hand with a good book. I've always been a sucker for the romantic/sci-fi, sci-fi and gothic genres. Anything with strong emotions and feeling. That empathetic kind of thing.
Well I don't want to keep this too long, lol. So anyways, thanks for whoever wants to listen. Later 😉
Comments
Post a Comment